I was on a dating app for three days, and a friend thought it would be fun if I wrote about the Detroit dating scene. Beyond that one dude who pretended to be into tantric sex and the fact that said friend was mesmerized by the fact that I sometimes date men in suits, I’ve got nothing to share.
Except maybe how annoying it is when people say, “I think you should date an artist.” Why do they rarely say, “You should date someone who supports your art?” But, also, isn’t creativity simply innovation problem solving? Outfit be damned. I can appreciate a good suit, now and then.
But this isn’t about me. This isn’t even about being single. It’s about you, at whatever stage of relationship you’re in.
I thought long and hard about dating, and this is what I’ve got: date yourself.
Before breakdown my thesis, allow me to dispel some common relationship myths:
You do not have to know yourself or love yourself or whatever yourself before dating.
Anyone who says you must, deserves to be slapped in the face. Real hard. It’s all about the journey, friends, and you deserve companionship wherever you are in it. In fact, most of us grow as individuals through relationships.
Takeaway: you do not deserve to be punished for not loving yourself hard enough. And, let’s face it, there are moments when all of us fall a little out of love with ourselves.
The chances of you having a single twin flame is false.
I’m not a statistician, but I’d say it’s really close to zero. People who talk about twin flames should also be slapped in the face. Maybe harder than the love yourself hard camp. They should also have their right to give dating advice forever revoked.
Yes, some of us find ourselves in healthy and satisfying relationships with one person for most of our lives, but most of us don’t—and being able to look back on your life and acknowledge multiple meaningful and life-shaping relationships is awesome.
It’s soulmates, plural—not soulmate.
To paraphrase, the astrologer, Jessica Lanyadoo, I hope that you share a soul connection with everyone you invite into your life. Because, otherwise, what are you even doing?!
Take stock of your life. It’s likely full of bright, fat flames. Sure, some run hotter than others, and every now and then, one extinguishes. But, remember, it’s a big world out there full of tiny sparks ready to ignite.
GO FORTH, AND DATE YOURSELF
This isn’t dating advice. It’s relationship advice. And it’s pretty damn cliché. Because it works.
The ‘know yourself, so you can date’ people are almost onto something: knowing yourself is a vital piece of being in a relationship. It’s just not a linear process. There isn’t one moment when you know yourself and move onto loving another.
Life is waaaay sloppier than that. We learn about ourselves in relationship to others—our friends, siblings, parents, loves, spouse, etc. In this regard, none of us are actually single.
But we’d all benefit from acting like it for a few minutes out of the day. Whether you’re in a 20-year monogamous relationship or you’re casually dating or not dating, our minds need time to unpack and process all those relationship lessons.
This Valentine’s Day find some time for yourself. Binging on Netflix and online shopping doesn’t count.
THREE IDEAS FOR DATE NIGHT WITH YOURSELF IN DETROIT
HIT THE SAUNA
I’m pretty sure every list I’ve ever written includes sauna because it’s the simplest way to sweat out anxiety to achieve clarity of mind!
The Schvitz is great if you’re feeling social, but I prefer the isolation chambers of Metaphysica. Plus, infrared has myriad health benefits. What’s more romantic than sweating solo under colored lights while listening to the sounds of crickets?
That’s just me. Rooms are equipped with Spotify, so you can listen to whatever.
TOPO FOR ONE, PLEASE
If you’re a Detroiter looking for solo date night, I suggest most bars because chances are you’ll run into someone you know. So much for alone time! Search out a place with music. Like Baker’s Keyboard Lounge or Motor City Wine on a Wednesday for Ian Finkelstein’s Duality Detroit.
Sit back, absorb the music and take a moment to appreciate the fact that we’re born alone, we die alone and in–between we can experience some absolute moments of bliss alone if we’re willing to let ourselves sink into the moment.
GET LOST IN A MUSEUM OR THE MOVIES
Cinema Detroit has a screening room with couches, offering the luxury of cozy while still forcing you to put on bottoms. Who wears clothes at home? Who goes on movie dates, anyway?
I never got that. Let’s sit in a dark room together and not talk. I guess it’s fine if you’re going to talk about the movie after. It’s so rare to find a good conversationalist!
Which is why I enjoy wandering museums alone, talking to myself. Check out the Fluxus section at the DIA or a concert at the Charles H Wright Museum—music + art! Double date!
Agree? Disagree? Have some spots to share? We want to hear your thoughts. Take the conversation to social or drop me a line, Detroit at cv@Detroitisit.com.